Reasons I will not miss Jay Cutler:

1. Here he is reaching out to Troubled Human Plaxico Burress after the Bears’ GM had already said the team had no interest in signing him. I’m sure Angelo was shocked that Cutler would do something to undermine his front office. Raise your hand if you saw this coming…

2. Here he is at Cubs games, irritating fans by refusing to sign autographs. I think that’s what most agents recommend when a player wants to rehabilitate his image. Raise your hand if… oh, nevermind.

From Kathryn Jean Lopez, at the far, far right blog The Corner, on Sarah Palin:

She did much better with Hugh Hewitt yesterday than in those Couric interviews.

Um, yes, I bet. Here are a few sample questions from the even-further-right Hewitt:

Have you followed the attacks on you, say, via Drudge or the blogs? Some of them are just made up and out of left field, others are just mocking. Do you follow those?

Do you think the mainstream media and the left understands your religious faith, Governor Palin?

Last question, Governor. Have you and Todd heard from your son? And how is it on your nerves having your son deployed?

Gosh. That is truly hard-hitting journalism. If she can handle that, surely she’s ready for the vice presidency.

UPDATE: Then again, I’d have thought she could handle a question like this…

Hello there,

Minnesota Vikings Coach Brad Childress here. You know, I get lots of letters and emails every week from fans asking just how it is that I manage to keep a team from offensive success in spite of their natural talent. The answer is actually more complicated than you’d think.

First of all, you need to identify the strongest area of the opposition’s defensive line. This week, my Vikings played the Titans, so it was easy to see that Albert Haynesworth’s ability to stop the run at the line of scrimmage made him the strong point. Once you’ve spotted this dominant spot, you must play to their strength. Run up the middle. Don’t worry if you have somebody as explosive as Adrian Peterson, he’ll still consistently be limited to one- or two-yard gains if you aim directly at a behemoth like Haynesworth.

Okay, you’ve reached second down. So far, so good. You’re instincts are going to tell you to run the ball off the edge, as you’ve found yourself in a second-and-long situation. This is wrong. You see, if you run the ball again you run the risk of gaining a handful of yards, thereby putting your offense in a third-and-manageable situation. No, you want to throw the ball to an underneath receiver. If the pass falls incomplete, you’ll be in a great position to kill the drive. If, by some odd coincidence, the pass is caught, let’s hope you had the good sense to make that WR run a three-yard button hook.

I’m an optimist, so let’s say your overpaid TE dropped the ball (again) on second down to set up third-and-long. This is where training camp comes in handy. Your young, up-and-coming star QB has been practicing with your wideouts all summer long for just this occasion. Luckily, you’ve already benched that loser for your backup, who has little to no practice time with the starting receivers in this situation. Call whatever you want. Heck, go ahead and call a draw play if you really want to break some hearts.

Alright, you’ve reached the most important part of the Brad Childress Drive Killing Plan. It is entirely possible that your team defied all odds and picked up that first down. Are you ready for my last secret? Just keep doing the same thing. If you continue to follow the blueprint, your offense will consistently find themselves in third-and-long situations. No team, no matter the talent, can overcome multiple third-and-longs on every drive in every game. Sure, you’ll accidentally break a big play once in a while, and points will be scored, but you’ll rarely end up putting up more points than your opponent.

So there you have it. You’ll find that if you follow these steps you can kill a drive no matter the momentum, talent, or field position.

Good luck and happy punting,
Brad Childress.

Just when you thought Chad Johnson couldn’t possibly get more obnoxious, he makes sure that now when you refer to him you have to say Chad Ocho Cinco. That’s right. The troublesome Bengals receiver has legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco, according to the Associated Press.

This bothers me because the number 85 (Chad’s jersey number and the reason for the self-appointed title “Ocho Cinco”) is NOT “ocho cinco” in Spanish. “Ocho cinco” translates to “eight, five.” That comma is important there. Now, if it were “ochenta y cinco” I wouldn’t be quite as annoyed, but alas, Chad Ocho Cinco is a moron who probably didn’t go any farther than using an internet translator to come up with his nickname.

This was a stupid decision for more than just the obvious reasons. Chad has been demanding a trade for most of the off-season. A trade is often accompanied by… a new jersey number. This is Marvin Lewis’s big chance. Lewis, the Bengals head coach, has not been pleased with his star wide receiver for some time now, and I can see no better way to stick it to the showboating Ocho Cinco than to send him to a team where he cannot wear 85. Just imagine for a moment the image of the name “Ocho Cinco” on the back of, say, a San Diego Chargers jersey with some other number on it. I believe that is the only situation in which (A) Chad would be thoroughly embarrassed by this move, and (B) I would go out of my way to call him Ocho Cinco.

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